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He wasn't there again today...


What more can I say? I feel like I coul.d say a lot, but then I wonder what the hell the point would be. None. It would be me complaining a lot. I've always said that as each year goes by, I experience the worst thing of my life that year and also the best thing of my life that year. I wondered when the good thing was going to come - not that good things haven't happened, but the One thing that was going to help me remember that there is more to life than school, work and being too comfortable with the things around me.

So, before I get to that point... I guess I can recap what I have been doing for the past few months... After Can left, it was a little hard for me to want to meet new people. Maybe I will get into that sometime in the future but so far I have been doing a good job at ignoring my sinking heart. I am not heartbroken, for I was never romantically interested in him. Besides, he is not the only reason my heart is sinking. Another story for another time. Anyway, after he left I didn't know what to do with myself at my two and a half hour breaks at school. I joined one friend I had, Trish, at a smoking table and have met some of the most interesting people. I'm not sure I like all of them, but I appreciate some aspect of each of their personalities. Honestly, I am not even sure they like me. If you think that I am wild and outgoing and curse a lot... then you haven't seen anything yet - these people are insane. I like it though. It's different. Different is good.  There are probably at least twenty of us that know each other pretty well now and we sort of just have a party every day on this lawn.

Other than that, let's just say that being high is probably another past time that I have. I've learned to function pretty well high. I think the only thing I cannot do is read. Fortunately, I wouldn't consider myself a pot head or a stoner... maybe just "educated" as far as that goes. I don't have a need for it either. Not always at least. I just like looking at things in a different way and being high helps.

Now that I have written the worst blog ever, I will leave you with some nice little poems that I have been obsessed with lately.

One bright morning,
In the middle of the night,
Two dead boys,
Got up to fight,
Back to back,
They faced each other,
Drew their swords,
And shot each other,
A deaf policeman.
Heard the noise,
And went to go kill,
Those two dead boys

When I was walking up the stairs,
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today,
I wish, I wish he'd go away

Sorry so boring, I'll try and do one at least every other day.



Something good has come along. But that is a story for later. I am normally very excited about it, but now I am just tired.


So many things change. I think I have been the one changing the most lately. I always want to be alone and I have been ignoring things that really matter to me. I tried asking myself why ignoring these things is even a good idea and I have still not come up with an answer. I've asked myself why I spend time with certain people as opposed to others. I've asked myself why I care about certain issues and not others. I've asked myself so many questions that I just end up ignoring them all within a split second. I haven't been writing as much lately either. Not just in this blog, but just in general. It always made me feel better to write but it is almost as if I am afraid to do it anymore. I don't want to be a coward but sometimes I feel like I am not strong enough for any other option.

Yes, I have been fake. I have been an unhealthy friend. I've been lying. The worst part is that I have been fake and lying to myself which results with me harboring an unhealthy mind. I no longer have the strength to care about problems in general - not just my own, but everyone's. I am weak in trying to understand the minds of the people I care about and I have no motivation to ease it as much as I can for them.

Abandonment. This one word practically defines how I feel and also what I have inflicted upon others. The one thing I hate most in the world has now become my demon. The thing I am good at. The thing I feel like has happened to me countless times is now becoming my talent. I think what is worse is knowing that someone I care about will leave me soon. Probably for good. And our friendship will deteriorate like it has with every other relationship. And because of my own mistakes and faults, I will have no one to turn to in the end. This time it is not because the others abandoned me - it is because I abandoned them.

There are so many other mistakes I have made in the past that it's hard for me to know what I should try and fix first, or even how to fix it. The problem is my motivation is nil. What can I do? What can I say to make things better?

Life has always interested and frightened me. Now I am just frightened.

Somewhere, someday...

Man, oh man... where have the past few weeks gone? I used to love to talk and to share my feelings but now I am just sick of it. I'm sick of being this monster. I'm sick of letting it consume me.

It is amazing how much we numb ourselves to certain feelings - sometimes to the point where we don't even know these feelings exist anymore. I couldn't possibly explain what exactly is going on in my head even if I wanted to. My head is a jumble and most of the things that come out my mouth aren't true anymore. Half the time I can hardly tell the difference between true and false. I need to find something. Life used to scare me... but it was a thrilling kind of fear I experienced. I was excited about the unknown and everything in the world  - good and bad. Lately I have been scared of everything, only now I am actually scared. I get this gross feeling in my stomach like I might puke.

Maybe I should vomit up the poison. No - I should. I need to just let it out. Free myself of the gut wrenching pain and just fucking do it. I won't stand it anymore. Whoever shows negativity towards my choices can fuck off. They can share their opinions and I may or may not listen - but I am sick of people who don't have hope anymore. No one does. This isn't even aimed at particular people. I'm getting dragged down to hell with everyone else and I won't stand for it.

If I want to move the fuck out after this summer - I will do it. I will. If I have a good reason for staying home other than saving money, then I will stay home. If I want to go to Cambodia this summer, I fucking will. And I will. Sure, it's with him, but who the fuck cares. People tell me I am not strong enough to handle this - but guess what... you don't know anything about me. I can handle it and I will and it will be the best experience of my life so far. If I want to be an anthropologist, I'll do it. If I want to be a musician, I'll do it. If I want to be a hobo, I'll do it. If I don't want any of these things, then I won't.

I reread 1984. Swim through some of these quotes and think about how you contribute to their truths.

"Do you begin to see, then, what kind of world we are creating? It is the exact opposite of the stupid hedonistic Utopias that the old reformers imagined. A world of fear and treachery and torment, a world of trampling and being trampled upon, a world which will grow not less but more merciless as it refines itself. Progress in our world will be progress toward more pain."

-No, we aren't communists... but it doesn't matter. Humans are humans and they love making others feel like shit in order to make themselves feel better. What do you know, it doesn't work.

"Never again will you be capable of ordinary human feeling. Everything will be dead inside you. Never again will you be capable of love, or friendship, or joy of living, or laughter, or curiosity, or courage, or integrity. You will be hollow. We shall squeeze you empty and then we shall fill you with ourselves."

-This is what most people's jobs do to them. So many people forget how to be human.

I could go on longer with more fascinating quotes but I would never stop.

But, I have a few more quotes to think about from a more strange book. It's funny how much Alice in Wonderland has so many truisms and whatnot.

 "Be what you would seem to be, or if you'd like it put more simply: Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."

“"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”

Hmm... If I had a world of my own...

Well, I don't. But I can join someone's elses world - somewhere, someday.

Catcher, Music and Seatbelts

Lately I have been acting strange - thinking strange thoughts. That is, more strange then what I usually act like or think about.

Music is great. I have finally started listening to music again. Many of it making my nostalgic memories reappear. I was feeding off of silence before. Nothing tasted so fresh. Even when music was playing, I could tune it out completely.

Tonight I had a band concert. I felt like I was on some kind time machine. I was sitting there enjoying the first piece, but as the second piece came around, I started to think random thoughts. I was no longer paying attention to what I was doing, though I was doing it as well as I ever did. I sat there thinking about what kind of images and stories play in my mind when I hear these songs. Then I started thinking about what the audience saw and heard. This all lead to the thought that no one really wanted to be there to hear us and they were all quite bored. How many of them actually enjoyed it? How many appreciated it? How many understood it?

Then the concert was over.

I saw some friends afterwards and thanked them warmly for coming. I ended up at the condo again. The condo is no longer a place for me to go - it's that annoying buzz in my ear that I can't run away from, but it is better than the loud ringing at  my own place.

I sat on their couch, and after having a short and meaningless chat with Nate and Liz, I started rereading Catcher in the Rye. Liz on her computer trying to do homework. Nate completely absorbed into his new Google phone (I think he is finally in love). Then me. Sitting on the couch reading. Every once in a while I would stop and read a few excerpts from the book Beyond Good and Evil just to give my brain a little boost into thinking about things that average people don't think about and smart people are too good to think about. I will post some of my favorite excerpts.

I hardly said a word the whole night and the best part of my day was just reading. I can't wait to get out of here. I want to just go away and read for the rest of my life. Okay, maybe not only read, but pretty close. Reading takes me places that I could never go. It's my time machine and my own personal - what's the word? - Narnia, if you will. Only I don't have to walk through a wardrobe to get there. All I do is blow the dust off of an old book or open a new book and listen to the first spine crack and the smell the smell of fresh paper. Sometimes I fell like new books smell old anyway and old books smell ancient.

After fifty or sixty pages I got up and left. My routine is usually as follows: I get in my car and make a great big sigh before I start the ignition. I start thinking about how I could have been sleeping. Then I ask myself why I think that some adventure will come along if maybe I didn't show up one night. It's not that I would feel left out if I never hung out - I would just feel like I might miss a great opportunity for me... somehow. It's dumb. So I put on my seatbelt and as I am driving through the rough neighborhood I debate whether or not I want this to be a silent drive home or a music inspiring ride home. When I get to the edge of their neighborhood I unbuckle my seatbelt. I make sure the air is off ad I roll down the windows. Lately, I have been getting some kind of sick thrill by not wearing my seatbelt. I also now have an addiction to being cold, no matter how much I like to complain. Then I go the rest of the way home and wonder to myself:


"Why am I here?"

Purple people, changing and vomit...

I watched the movie Girl, Interrupted. It was very good.

Favorite quotes:

"Susanna, you chased a bottle of asprin with a bottle of vodka."
"I had a headache..."

Tony: Do you see purple people? My friend, he saw purple people. And so the state came and took him away. He didn't like that. Some time went by and, and he told 'em he didn't see purple people no more.
Susanna: He got better.
Tony: Nah, he still sees 'em.

"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds..."

Lately I had been thinking about my own sanity. I was thinking about what other people thought. At work I get called crazy a lot. At school too. I know they are kidding. I'm just 'out there', that's all. But that is only the 'crazy' that people see. There is a different crazy inside of me. Not necessarily dark or sad - just different. Sometimes dark. Never happy. I just sit there and wonder about what I am thinking. I wonder if maybe the things I think and how I think them are not the, ah, normal way to think them. It's hard to discuss. Scary. Strange. Uncomfortable. Shouldn't I be comfortable with what I think? It's me. Me. What is me? Who is me? Who is writing this? Whose words are these? Are they mine? Of course they are... I'm typing them. I haven't heard them before. But how do I know that I am writing them? How?

I met a guy. But everyone worth dating is already dating someone else. He works at Barne's and Noble. I worked with him last night. Everything was going great. Then in our conversation I heard him slip in "my girlfriend". Fuck. It's not even worth looking. Everyone is married or has a significant other. The ones that are left are - not for me. I don't know what is. He probably wouldn't have been. It would have been something though. He and I could always be friends. But not anymore. Girls aren't supposed to have guy friends - especially if they guy is dating someone.

My parents think I am dating Nate. Apparently being friends with him isn't good enough. I argued about it with my dad today. He said he could see us dating, but he said he could never see it working out in the end. I asked him why. Why couldn't Nate and I be a happy married couple (if we wanted to, mind you). He had a very interesting answer. "Oh, you could marry him alright, but you wouldn't be happy. You need someone who you can challenge and will challenge you right back. You have too much potential to be the dominant one in a relationship, which would make you feel restless and unchallenged. On the other hand, you would never stand for being less dominant than someone else. You would go insane. You're weird - that is, you're different. While romance is something you want, you need more than that. You need someone who will let you do your own thing when you want and never hold you back."

Fuck. Why is my dad such a fucking hypocrite and then he says something like that? As if he knows me... Well, I guess he does to an extent. He is missing so much, but in general that explanation works for me.

I don't know, dating is so ridiculous. Why do people change in the presence of the person they "love"? Why do we have to change. Why?

I talked to an old friend today. Jessie. We ended up talking vaguely about our love lives - or in my case, the lack thereof. She had told me her friend had only kissed three guys in her life. Three! I saw nothing wrong with that, but it seemed like nothing to her. She and her friend sat down and made a list. 27 guys for Jessie. 27. These are 27 people she also DATED. Okay, she didn't date all of them, but she did date most of them. How the fuck old is she? 19? How many people have I kissed? Three. How many of them did I date? One. Which one did I like the least out of the three? The one I dated. Am I taking what I can get? Am I turning into one of those people who say on their facebooks that they are interested in: Friends, Relationships, or Whatever I Can Get. Whatever you can get? Lately I feel like the human race is just a bunch of rabbits. We are going backwards on the evolutionary scale to when sex didn't mean anything anymore. It was just natural to want to have it. The emotions are lost.

People. People are so messed up. People don't know how to relax. People need to get stoned more often. They need to feel "one" with the universe. They need to calm the fuck down. Hell, I know I am certainly not calm! Though, I am calmer than most people I know. You can be calm on the outside but you can be raging on the inside about something that is totally meaningless. When I person walks into a store or restaraunt and the cashier or server messes something up - why do people have to freak out? Why can't they just either deal with it or maybe point it out and be like "It's cool. It happens." Chill out.

Why do I do this? I get off on the most random topics and it has nothing to do with how I started. Is that good? Is it bad? Is it just reinforcing that there is more than one person inside of me? During my period I know my evil twin takes over my body. Many people say that there is something missing in their lives. They say that they feel like there is a hole in there stomach and they don't know what to fill it with. Does it need to be filled with their dreams? What are their dreams? I think it is the opposite. I think everything is already there. Nothing is missing, we are just poisoning ourselves against what is good for us. We are breathing in the sense of insecurity, hate, fear... We know what we want, but we can't find it. This poison, this parasite is telling us what to do and who to be. It's telling us what we think others should be. It's telling us how to judge others for what they aren't and not what they are. Nothing is missing. People just keep the imaginary vomit within their gut and never let it out. They let it take over them so they never remember what it was like to feel free... to feel good.

When you love somebody...

If you need somebody, call my name
If you want someone, you can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
If you want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

If you love somebody, set them free

If it's a mirror you want, just look into my eyes
Or a whipping boy, someone to despise
Or a prisoner in the dark
Tied up in chains you just can't see
Or a beast in a gilded cage
That's all some people ever want to be

If you love somebody, set them free

You can't control an independent heart
Can't tear the one you love apart
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
So many riches, so many souls
Everything we see we want to possess

If you need somebody, call my name
If you want someone, you can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
If you want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

If you love somebody, set them free


Sorry, I have been in a weird Sting mood lately. I don't know if it's the 80s that I am craving or maybe just his lyrics. Maybe both are just what I need right now. Maybe he is brilliant, maybe he isn't - I have no idea. But so many of his lyrics ring true. That's the point of musicians though, right? They sing about things that everyone relates to. They probably make it way more dramatic than it actually is.

I feel like some songs are supposed to make you feel less alone. They are showing you that you are not the only one who feels that way. Yet for some reason I can't help but feel more alone when someone sings a song about something I am going through. Even when people tell me that they relate heavily to the song as well, I still don't feel like they really do understand. Words can only say so much, as can song lyrics or poems or books.

If you haven't seen the movie Waking Life, then I would strongly suggest it. I have it on my computer if anyone wants it. It is full of unanswerable questions and infinite solutions to the way things are. Though, when I watched it I felt like I got a lot out of it and even found some things out about myself and my beliefs. Some of the concepts are hard to understand but once you do, they make so much sense in the world.

Maybe I am just being dumb, or maybe I am in just "one of those moods". I feel like there is so much more we are all missing in this life. I feel like we take too many things for granted and we are all numbing ourselves to so many feelings that we could have an experience. Good and bad.

I don't know how I got onto that topic from the Sting lyrics. Now I feel like an idiot.


I got my period today. It doesn't surprise me a whole lot, but it is a week early when normally I am very regular. At least I think it is a week early. I don't even know anymore. Anyways, I have been very moody lately and I always feel like crying. I know later I will think it is hilarious but right now, wouldn't you know it, I feel like crying. I should have known for sure by last night. Liz and I went to QT and my choice for the night was a huge piece of chocolate cheesecake. I don't even like huge amounts of chocolate that much. I ate doritos too. So much for losing that weight over the past 3 weeks. I also feel like picking a fight with everyone, and then I randomly get in a very cuddly type of mood. I just want to cuddle and yell and cry - is that too much to ask?

Today was freakin' ridiculous. I wake up to the sound of Jonathan IMing me after not talking for four or five days. I talk to him for a while and I could feel my emotions raging all over the place. I warned him my period would come next week and I would be acting weird... well I acted weird this morning and then I got my period at school. Sweet. The timing in my life is always so perfect. Anyways, MCC gathered all of the trash around the whole campus from yesterday and put it out on a lawn. My anthropology class was one of the groups that had to sort through it and see what we could recycle. I told myself I wouldn't participate too much because I was tired and I always do the dirty work. Well, I ended up having to crawl into a huge trash can because no one else would so we could get all the trash out to sort it. I know some photographers had a blast taking pictures of some random girl with only gloves on to protect her from any sort of organisms growing in there. If I find the article about the trash sorting, I'll see if they use that picture and I will post it if they do. Anything to embarass myself more...

So I get done trash driving and then hang out with this guy from Turkey who is going to school here. He is rather cute and very smart. When it comes to politics, he is very knowledgable and he and I have a lot of the same ideals. He also has an accent, which obviously adds to his appeal. He is a pretty funny person and he informed me of ways to improve my hookah smoking experience. Maybe I will invite him to the condo sometime. I have a feeling he would get along with Nate and Liz.

I get home at around 10:30 and get J's (my high school band director) camera out that I used. I had to make a video by later today that would be part of the band's application into playing at the inaugural parade in January. Well, I am really tired and decide to rest my eyes real quick. All of a sudden my phone starts vibrating and it is a text from J saying that he needs the camera to charge it for tonights play-off game. He also said he needed the DVD I was making soon so he could send it out. I looked at the clock. 2:00!!! I run out of my room because I haven't even started the video and start yelling for my dad to get me the cords I need. He says he can't find our USB/camcorder hookup and I will have to go buy one. FUCK.

I go to Radio Shack because it is close and I need something fast. I should have had the video done an hour before this. I run in and start asking the guys where I can find what I need and they are so dumb they don't even know what I am talking about. I end up grabbing different cords with the same hookup on one end but not the other and show them I need a USB on one side and this other hookup on the other. They end up trying to get me to join AT&T phone service and ask me if I like my Verizon plan.

"Yes, I fucking like it. If I didn't, I wouldn't be on the plan, would I?"

They got a little frightened at this point but I didn't care. Not only was I a pissed off girl on her period that smelled like trash, but I was a girl with a mission. They also asked if I wanted to donate a dollar to save Jews. Seriously. I told them I hated all the Jews I knew, so why should I help them? Just to clarify - I do not hate Jews. In fact, I probably would have given a dollar or more if their customer service was somewhat helpful. At this point I was just messing with them. I am usually very sympathetic, but these guys were the dumbest people I have ever met. They couldn't even refer me to a different place that MIGHT be able to help. I knew more about cords then they did. It was ridiculous.

So I call my dad and tell him they don't have it and I ask if there is a different kind of cord I can get. Last time I had used something with a card that hooked up to a cord which hooked to my video camera.

"Oh, yeah... we have that here."

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

"What the hell did you think I was looking for before?!" I ask him.

"Well, I thought you wanted a different cord to use. You didn't clarify well enough on what you wanted."

"Right. I said I wanted my video on my computer just like before. Yeah, I can see where I went wrong there..." Then I hang up.

I go home and start the video. I figure I should take the camera back to the school so it could be charged for tonights game and I could work on a video hardcore for the next hour. I get there and J ends up telling me that the deadline was extended to Tuesday. I gave him a huge hug and told him I loved him. Good thing I am not in high school anymore... He and I are gonna hang on Sunday and work out a nice video for the band. No more stress in that department. I'm still angry though. I still want to yell. I still want to cry. And I still want to fucking cuddle.

I hate my period so much. It hurts. It makes me hungry. It makes me tired. It makes me emotional. And it comes at the most inopportune moments in my life. Between soccer or track tryouts to other things - I will always be cursed. I feel like shit.

I hope it's a decent night though. I'm sure it will be. My friends usually find me hilarious when I am on my period because of the things I end up saying. Maybe the truth comes out, I don't really know. At least someone can enjoy this pain.


Solitaire, Herbie Hancock and Slime

A thousand apologies and many more to my readers. (I'm acting as if I have very many.) I have been out of it lately and I don't know why. All I want to do is sleep. Even when I do sleep I still feel tired. More than tired.

So much is going on in my brain right now that I wouldn't ever know where to start. I'm not sure I ever want to start. When I start thinking about things I get this lump in my throat. My solution is to desensitize myself from everything. I don't listen to much music anymore. I don't watch movies or television. I just play solitaire and sleep. This way my mind is forgetting to think about too much.

What have I been doing? The same old crap, I can tell you that. I have to say though- even though there is still a lot of stress on me for the rest of the semester... I do feel like a huge load was taken off of me today after class. I am not really sure why. Maybe it is because I have some time to actually try and do homework instead of the night before as usual.

Yesterday was an interesting enough day. I went to school as usual and got out at ten in the morning. After tha I went home and fixed some lovely fettucini. Okay, I didn't really fix it myself... All I have to do is pour water in a bowl of noodles and powder and microwave it for five minutes and then I have a solid lunch. Well, a lunch at ten in the morning. Anyways, I went and hung out with Liz and the kids she watches at Chandler Mall. I got lost. I felt like such an idiot, but it wasn't the first time that I had gotten lost in there. Once it took my and Alex twenty minutes just to find the Apple Store. It was ridiculous. It is really too bad that I don't like kids. They scare me. Granted, I can appear to be in love with them, but that is just because I am a tremendous actor ;).

Later I went to McClintock and hung out with Ben in the art room while he was finishing up an art project. I have to say, I was quite impressed by his ability to paint. He needs to work on the depth and meaning of his art though. He usually does Herbie Hancock, Miles Davis, and other great Jazz album covers. His project is pretty cool though. He get's paint on a table certain things that represent him. My favorite, of course, is the fact that he painted a very nice saxophone on there- It's supposed to represent me :D Okay, okay, it's supposed to represent both me AND Hayley... I admit it. But it is still very nice of him.

He and I ended up talking about the most random things. He always tells me about his friends Beth and Chelsea and how they are the complete opposites of me and Hayley. Of course, me and Hayley are way cooler than them... In all seriousness though, we are complete opposites. While they are more political, we are more philosophical. We are more sarcastic while they are...nt. Haha. Anyways, when I was dropping him off we ended up having a very interesting conversation about what I thought my purpose in life was. I came up with the best answer I ever have. And you don't get to hear it ; ).

Robert and Matt wanted me to go to Sweet Tomatoes with them so I agreed. My stomach was in the mood but I still ate a shit load of salad and pasta. Ugh. It was very fun though, hanging out with people I don't see very often. It is a nice reminder that people actually do like me.

Anyways, I went to the dog park for a while with Liz and then snuggled with Guinness on the couch at the condo. He loves curling up in a ball and cuddling with me. Of course Tonka gets jealous and comes over and slimes me. Eh.

I've been taking my melatonin regularly for the past couple days. I might need to take more than one. I don't know. We'll see.

Sex Dreams, Hate, and Me

I'm sick of writing about myself.  I'm sick of thinking. Thinking causes too much pain and stress, and while pain and stress makes one stronger... everyone deserves a break. I guess pain follows you wherever you go. There will always be something to worry about - the magnitude of the problem makes no difference. We care more about some things than we do other things. Some people don't care at all. All they care and worry about is what they are going to eat that morning for breakfast.

I don't know why I am so tired. I will sleep as long as I feel fit... take naps and everything and I am still exhausted. Granted, during the week I get no sleep... but the weekends are usually different.

I apologize for not writing many blogs this past week. My internet was down for a few days and then I just wasn't in the habit of writing these anymore. Not too much has happened I don't think. I went over to Ken's house (my co-worker) on Saturday night and he cooked some amazing food. Granted, it wasn't authentic indian food, but I still enjoyed it. He had a lot of alcohol while his wife drank in moderation. He called me the next day and told me he hadn't had that much to drink in years. He called me the next day and apologized if he did anything out of line towards me, like touching and whatnot. I told him I was used to worse and that he was fine. Which was the truth. There is more that I could say about that, but I won't right now.

Liz got a tattoo on Tuesday night and I got a piercing on my ear. My 8th one, to be exact. The people at club tattoo were awesome.

I've also had some interesting conversations with Robert lately, about myself and image. We will see what comes of it. Mainly it has to do with "who I am" in the world and what I am really worth. It is all a bunch of philisophical stuff that I shouldn't be thinking about. Well, it's not that I shouldn't be thinking about it, but it is near pointless to think about it because it won't change anything. Maybe it will change how I view myself - but that could mean I will get really cocky about my personality or maybe I will end up hating myself.

I love hating too much I think. Okay, maybe not hating... but I love strongly disliking things. But for the sake of using a smaller work, I will use the word hate. I always hear people say "I hate people". Awesome. I hate people too. Now what? All I can do is bitch. Between work and past friends, I feel like I have met the biggest douches ever. So, I decided to write a letter to all of those people on my 'hate' list.

Dear People I Hate,

"You can go suck a fuck," as Maggie Gyllenhaal once said in the movie Donnie Darko. Some of you think I am a person you can walk all over because I never say no. Fuck you. I am trying to make your life better by doing what you ask of me. I hate those of you that tell me my religious views are ridiculous and wrong. I never tell you that you are wrong, but for some reason you feel that it is right to tell me that I will burn in hell for eternity because my practices (or lack thereof) are rubbish. I hate those of you strangers who think I give a shit about you. I don't. I hate those who love to complain to me because I am the only one in your life that is forced to listen. I don't care if you think Borders has a better membership plan then B & N. Fuck you. Ours is better and I will sit you down any day and explain why.

I hate you friends who lie to me all of the time. I hate those of you who pretend to still be my friend. I hate you fakes. I hate all of you for thinking my ideas and wishes are too far for me to reach. Thanks for the support. I hate most of the ass holes in my jazz band. I hate the fact that something I love is connected with so many people I hate. Just because I am the only female in the band doesn't mean you have to act all high and mightly because you have a penis. Go fuck each other. I hate those of you who have abandoned me in the past - those of you who once saw me as an important person, but once you finally got a girlfriend, you didn't care anymore. I hate girlfriends too. Yep. Those of you girlfriends who think I am interested in your boyfriend... screw you. Even if I was, I would not even think of pursuing it.

Out of everyone I should hate, it should be myself. While I am sitting here talking about people I hate, I could be doing so many more productive things with my time. I could be doing something that I actually want to do instead of falling in line with what everyone expects me to do. I still have time to change, though. The people I listed above - they have time too. My hate doesn't last forever. The day I can overcome hate is the day the world will end. There will always be someone to hate. Presidents, leaders of other countries, terrorists, murderers, etc...

Many of you tell me I need to get my act together. I need to stop dreaming so big. I need to stop fantasizing some adventurous life for myself because it won't happen. I'll live on the streets, right? I'll starve. I'll never have a career. I won't have anything. Well, guess what? I don't care if I live on the streets; I don't care if I starve; I don't care if I don't have a career; And I will have more than you ever dreamed.

Love always,

Sorry, that was just what was currently on my mind. Such a petty thing that can produce loud words.

Robert told me that he has never heard me say anything so "deep" in person as in my blogs. I figure no one wants that far in the mind of Dani. Not many at least. The funniest part about it is that I don't say half of what I would really say if this were a personal journal. Secrets are no fun, right? We all have too many. Sometimes we don't even know they are secrets. They are thoughts that probe around in our minds - thoughts no one else can hear, thoughts that we are afraid of. So we lock them up and pretend they never were.

Lastly, I had a sex dream last night. I haven't had one in... well... I don't remember. So it either sucked or I never had one. Sounds like a parallel to my actual life, huh? Hahaha. Anyway, it was about Alex Lowry. Isn't that insane? I don't remember the last time I even thought about him. I just thought it was a weird person to have a sex dream about. (It wasn't that great). Maybe I still have feelings for him... *snorts*... Fat chance.



Nutrageous the Gay Bar and Dog slime

I love how one moment you can be content with things and the next moment everything seems so meaningless to you. Something that once made sense to you, something that made you feel good inside, something that made you feel like everything was going to be okay - all thrown away. Did I also mention I love speaking in riddles?

Yesterday after band, Kyle asked me to practice with him for a while in the practice room. He and I are co-first chair in the band, but he is a lot older than me. Anyways, we had a long two hour rehearsal and then I practiced another forty five minutes with him on stuff I already knew how to play. All of this was followed up by another two hour rehearsal for another band. In short: My lip hurts like hell.

Roni picked me up before we went to our night band and then we went to pick up Robert. I love that kid. I can't wait until he isn't grounded anymore and has time for me again. Something weird happened when Roni and I picked him up last night and for the first time in a couple weeks I felt like everything wasn't perfect, but like it would be okay. He sat behind me in the back seat of the car, leaned forward and stuck his hand out in front of me as if he wanted a high five. I started to give him one, but instead he grabbed my hand and just held on to it. It was nice. He has a girlfriend so it obviously wasn't in any romantic way, but it was still a sign of affection that I wasn't used to. I liked it though. I don't know how he meant it, or how I held his hand back, but I felt a soft sense of reassurement in the touch. I am usually not one who likes to show too much affection and more often then not I am scared of receiving it, but this affection was very refreshing. I am probably looking way too much into it as I normally do with everything. But hey, someone has to observe every little detail and inquire the "why".

After band that night I went over to the condo so Nate, Liz and I could head over to some haunted corn maze. When I got there apparently we wouldn't be able to make it in time because she thought it was closer than it really was. She was pretty upset and we ended up pretty much doing nothing. I felt bad because I knew she really wanted to go out. She looked very nice last night too... just got a haircut and high lights and everything. Didn't overdue her outfit - she just looked nice. It sucks when you feel beautiful and you can only show it off to people like me and Nate.

We ended up watching some weird videos on the internet, a nightly ritual it seems, and then we got in her truck and left so we could get out. First we went to Hubly Bubly and looked at hookahs. It figures... if we aren't at the condo smoking hookah, we are out looking at hookahs. Liz wanted the pink one, but I was leaning more towards a black and green one. Go figure. We ended up buying some sheesh (mango and sour apple), Liz's treat, which was very nice of her. I feel like I should contribute more. So where else to go when you are bored and there is nothing to do? It starts with a Q and ends with a T. I am starving so I buy this dusgusting mozzerella cheese bread stick thing and a blueberry muffin. I am so healthy.

We get back in the car and we are discussing restaraunts that I haven't been to. If you don't know, I have never been on a date and never gone anywhere nice past Applebees. Well, I went to the Melting Pot when I was probably ten or something, but I was way to young to appreciate it. We are all listing off random places and whether or not we have been there. All of a sudden Liz says "Mmm... Nutrageous".

"I've never been there," replies Nate.

"It's a candy bar" says Liz.

And of course, me being immature and having a poor sense of humor I yell "Don't listen to her, it's really a gay bar!"

Nutrageous. Ha.

Later Liz ended up spitting Dr. Pepper all over herself while she was driving because she thought she saw something funny. It wasn't that funny and it's hard to explain. It was hilarious after she spit up on herself though. So we went to the video store, got Iron Man and went home to smoke some mango hookah. I had to leave pretty early though because I had school this morning at seven. Liz ended up calling me today because she set a bug bomb off in her house and wasn't allowed to go back home for four hours. We went shopping because I needed jeans. I WENT DOWN ONE OR TWO SIZES! It's hard to tell because girls sizes in pants are ridiculous and confusing. Though, my last pair from Old Navy were two sizes bigger than this pair, so I am really excited. I also got a couple shirts... other than black. I always wear black. Navy blue and dark green. Haha... big change, right? Liz bought a night shirt and a really cool pink dress. Granted, I am not into pink or dresses... but she will look good in it. It was only five dollars.

Then we went to pick up Tonka and Guinness from the dog wash and took them to the dog park so they could get dirty. Awesome. I was covered in slime and dog hair by the end of this whole thing.

So now I am clean and ready to go. Where am I going? I have no idea.

Richard Bach quote of the night: Whatever enchants, also guides and protects. Passionately obsessed by anything we love - sailboats, airplanes, ideas - an avalanche of magic flattens the way ahead, levels rules, reasons, dissents, bears us with it over chasms, fears, doubts...